Something deep inside me is telling me that I'm not ready for this job. partly because I wish I had better counseling skills. But mostly because I'm not emotionally ready to handle this. I am so consumed with worry and out about being left out of social circles, making bad impressions, irritating my boss, having disastrous sessions with clients, and the idea of my supervisors thinking that I can't do my job. I am extremely sad. I cannot shake off the bad feelings about my one on one today or my upsetting conversation with a coworker. I'm trying to change my thoughts and beliefs to change my feelings, but it's not working. My belief (thoughts?) are that I can't do this job, the people don't like me. Despite the fact that people have shown me tons of support, I still find things that people say and in what they do to support my belief that they don't like me. They slip in through the cracks, my weaknesses, and trigger my depression. Why can't I rationalize this out?
It's not that simple, your thoughts have to become your beliefs, so I have to ask myself why don't I believe my own logic? Because the truth is I always believe in impending doom, that something disastrous is going to happen to take away my happiness and my feeling of security. And so any faltering, or mistake, any pause in absolute admiration and affirmation becomes a crack in the wall for my anxiety to seep through. The trigger for my PTSD. And then the depression sets in. I think the depression is kind of like the calm before the storm. the storm being an anxiety attack. If there's one thought that lifts my spirits just a little after all this, its that the truth is nothing I've done isn't fixable. I just have to be okay with not being perfect. And I have to realize that others will be okay with it too.
Another thing that's come out of all of this, is that I realize I do not have any good tools for lifting my spirits when I am depressed. If I'm not eating, I'm practically sedated and sleeping.Gotta work on that. Depression wants to tell you that it's too hard and too painful to do the things you love, that your creativity is burnt out, that people would have come to you if they wanted to talk to you, and that it's not worth getting out of bed. Like addiction, it actively works to destroy the tools that make your life manageable. It's almost involuntary, and a battle I've been losing these last few months - but I'm not going to lose the war.
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