It's not easy from here.  It really isn't.  But, I could care less about what's you're going through right now.

The air was hollow and dark but echoed hope so strong it resounded, bouncing off the walls everytime I rememberered you.

"What am I doing here?" I stared at the dying flower in hand.

The hall was full of people.  I don't know why. Your casket was open...just sitting there at the front of the stage.  We were your audience.  

We were. 

Plum-dark stained lips.  I wouldn't lick them because I didn't wan't it to come off.  

I was sitting in the last pew.  It was empty...every pew but this one had an aching heart crying out for your return.  

It was hot today.  Not a cloud in the sky.  I wouldn't fan myself with that pamphlet.  I'd just sit here and smile, too glad you were gone.

I chuckled at the thought.  "You had loved ones?  As ugly and horrible as you were?"    

This pew was so dusty.  A Bible rested in the pocket-shelf of the one before me.  Roses are overrated.  You deserve one.

That smile was genuine.  I was bitter when you first disappeared, but now I can see past you.

They said you were beautiful, kind, lovely.  But you were hideous, cruel and wretched.

Who could know you better than I did?  

You told me about the Gold Rush.  I could look but "don't touch."  I almost lay there with Pharoah.  

Finally coming to this conclusion.  I remembered why I was here.  

But FEAR you left behind.  It was after me now.

"They don't know you here.  Who do you think you are?  This is your fault.  We were so close to the prize, to our crown.  Go back, while there's still time."

But I remembered.  

I froze.  like I was paralyzed.  I couldn't b reathe.

But I remembered.  

I fought back concrete tears, holding tightly onto the red rose,  I shook uncontrollably....but I remembered.

"You can still save her, just go back!"  FEAR was now screaming at me.

But I remembered.  

I lifted the delicate skirt from around my ankles, letting the small fit-and-flare train flow freely.

Standing now, my feet were heavy, the heels I wore were almost moving on their own.  I tipped my hat over my eyes so that no one would recognize me.

"It was our crown!!  We can keep this life together!!"  FEAR was starting to sound different, more aggressive and angry.

I wasn't hesistating anymore I just kept walking.  The crying from your loved ones slowly faded into murmurs.  Murmurs into a roar of conversation, questioning and gossip.

"They Don't Want You Here.  Leave NOW!"  FEAR was the strong wind without opened windows, whipping against my skin constantly.  I was tired and now too scared to keep walking.

But I remembered... HIM.

My legs were moving again, the tears were streaked on my cheeks but now drying.  

Your casket was within reach.

"You are a monster! You are hated! You are--"

It was suddenly quiet. 

I inhaled deeply, ( )acing myself for a final viewing of your face.

Finally I drew my eyes towards you....And I smiled gazing at you.  

I lay your rose at the edge.  

I stared at you.

I stared at me.

The old me is dead and gone.