For the Iande Contest/RP

~Tyrsday~ 25^th Evensky

Father has returned from his travels! I understand that he cannot support mother's lavish lifestyle with merely his investments, but it does not mean that I do not wish he could always be home with me, instead of leaving me with The Crow and Mother, who both pester me about one thing or another. "You're father wouldn't want you to whine!" "Your stitching is atrocious!" "Your mother would not approve of you sitting like that!"

I'm fourteen years old and they treat me like I don't understand anything. My Ayah is the only one who understands me. The only one who talks to me anyway. Well, I mean, not about arithmetic or penmanship. Just...about nothing, really. Or anything. I don't know what I'd do without my nursemaid.

This journal that I'm writing in Father says came all the way from Wenth and is made from the hide of a reindeer. It’s very exotic...but I wish that he realized that I'm intelligent enough to know when I'm being distracted by fancy baubles.

At least, I am happy with it. I have so much annoyance at Mother bottled up inside that I fear that I would blow up if it weren't for this journal. And so here I start my first page.

~Tyrsday~ 3^rd Emberstorm

My fifteenth birthday was last month. Father brought me a fancy dress from Rixier. Not that I can really show it off, seeing how I hardly leave the house what with all of Mother's lessons.

One of these days either she will implode from eternal droning or I will.

At least My Ayah gave me a bird for my birthday. The Crow absolutely loathes it, which is a small victory for me. That crabby old maid has been harassing me for years. She's always been mother's right-hand woman. I don't quite understand why though. Mother usually hates ugly things. And The Crow is absolutely hideous with her beady little eyes and sharp nose. I don't think she's ever worn anything but black a day in her life.

Its probably why she hates my bird. She practically is one herself and the bird is encroaching upon her territory.

I decided to name him Sigi.

~Tyrsday~ 21^st Blossomfall

My sixteenth birthday is coming up soon.

In twelve days as a matter of fact.

I'm extremely excited, but My Ayah looks extremely sad. I feel as though there is something I'm missing. Something extremely important, but whenever I ask, Mother tells me not to be ridiculous.

I haven't been able to see My Ayah as much over the course of the year. I'm so restless and lonelier than ever.

At least today I got to see My Ayah, though I'm certain I wasn't supposed to.

See, I wandered into the kitchen because I was hungry (which ladies are certainly not supposed to do. Well, unless if they don't get caught) and heard something from the larder.

My Ayah was in there crying. I'm getting somewhat suspicious of what that could mean, and rather weary of my coming birthday.

I told her that Sigi needed more birdseed and she looked even more sad.

She told me that she wasn't sure that she should have given me that bird after all. I would be meeting people soon enough and it just isn't right for a girl to have only a bird as her companion, she informed me.

"A bird shouldn't be locked up like that. Birds were meant to fly free."

~Friggasday~ 15^th Odinsblood

 I had thought that my coming of age would change them. But Father is more concerned now than ever with his investments. I know that he's lost a good deal of money. He's been trying to hide his gambling addiction for months. 

It saddens me how blind my parents think I am. I used to overlook their faults. I used to hope that one day if I loved them enough they might love me back. But I'm finally beginning to see what My Ayah meant all those years ago, that 'love is lost upon the deceived.' I suppose that was the kind way of telling me to not waste my breath.

But My Ayah was the only person that ever gave me attention. And now she's gone. 

I'm too old for a nursemaid now. I am of age. A woman of sixteen. And I am not allowed to forget my duty.

~Moonsday~ 9^th Emberstorm

I am exhausted.

After all those years spent on the estate with no company save my mother when she taught me, My Ayah, The Crow and father when he was home, I'm finally leaving more than once a week.

I never thought I'd want to go back.

I was sick from loneliness, but at least then I had My Ayah. Now I'm alone in the midst of an eternal social cloud, and worse, must plaster on a smile. I know this is what I've worked towards my entire life, but I was not prepared to deal with so many people all at once.

I suppose I'll grow used to it. As if I had a choice.

~Saturnsday~ 3^rd Odinsblood

It has been determined that I am, and I quote, "an unworthy half-witted base creature that could only be a changeling, for such an ingrate could never have come from the line that sired it."

But no matter what words Mother chooses to fling at me, no matter the snide looks The Crow gives if I so much as bless her with my gaze, no matter the tears I pretend not to shed, I will still remain ringless.

It has now been a year since I have come of age and still I remain husbandless, though from no lack of offers.

No one knows as well as I how reluctant I would be to marry the latest suitor, hardly a man and such a poor one at that, but still, the attack his ear received from my mother's voice was one I would wish upon no one. 

Yet, I cannot afford much for pity. After all, he will find happiness in his work. I won't even find rest until I find a husband. 

Ah, but I sound so unladylike, harping on that shrew-I mean my mother- when I should be doing my studies. As though speaking a second language will make me more desirable.

Happy Birthday to me. Someone has to wish it.

~Odinsday~ 30^th Mornstar

I am afraid.

Mother is considering a suitor for me, I know it.

An older man with many rings spoke to her earlier. 

I am at a loss. If I never find a husband I will be an unhappy disgrace, but I'm so frightened of whomever I should marry.

I won't even know the man. 

What if he's just like everyone else?

All I have now is Sigi.

~Moonsday~ 12^th Frostfire

Mother came to me in great excitement today, which is completely unlike her. If I ever behaved in such a manner, she almost certainly would be in hysterics. I remember when I was younger and I gave her a bouquet of weeds (though I swear I thought they were flowers at that age) and she was so disgusted I found myself confined to my room for a week. Charming.

But I digress. Mother was squawking not unlike a chicken, as Father likes to say under his breath every time she corrects his eating habits, and The Crow left me to straighten her out myself.

After setting her down on the lounge, and fanning her off a bit -the woman does love to be attended to (probably why she employed The Crow in the first place)- she finally informed me that she received word from the court, as though such a thing wasn't a common occurrence.

I assumed it was another potential mate that my mother deemed unworthy, seeing how anything less than a lord of court is worthy in her eyes, yes, even a lord's son does not seem to hold much value! 

And so I tried to calm her unfettered nerves, rather unsuccessfully whilst she babbled on about her ideal future that her news would provide or some other such nonsense.

And then I saw the letter clutched to her chest.

A letter with the royal seal.

And I realized. I finally realized that finally, yes finally! Some dignitary of high estate has made a bid for my hand.

And so here I sit.

Hands trembling.

I have yet to open the letter, which Mother left with me while rushing off to share the news with others she deemed more worthy of the information than the one whom it directly affects. (that would be me)

And I simply had to write this first.

Because whatever happens next, this moment, this pivotal moment will change my life forever.

Wish me luck!

~Saturnsday~ 17^th Frostfire

Today I leave for the royal palace. Unlike the other 23 girls that have been awarded the privilege of courting the sons of Emperor Nixus, I do not have to travel such a great distance, although I’ll still be staying in the palace. Mother has actually been pleasant ever since I received the invitation, and The Crow hasn’t bothered me since. I suppose I’m not so worthless after all.

Mother even bought me a new trunk of dresses for the time I’ll be staying at the palace. I fear what The Crow will do to Sigi while I’m gone, but I know I cannot take him with me. What a spectacle I would make presenting myself in the throne room, a bird squawking on my shoulder! Ah, the court would never let Mother hear the end of it.

I’m sure the other girls will think I have the advantage of living in Bascalin, but it puts extra pressure on me, for the courtiers know my family and are certainly going to gossip. Such a thing could destroy my reputation if I make one wrong move.

I tire of this. It’s as if my life is one great game of chess. And in this game I am the King. I must succeed but my own choices will not change the outcome because I am not truly the player.

Perhaps when this is all over, it can change.

For now, I must leave. The carriage awaits.

~Sunsday~ 18^th Frostfire

I did not have the time to write until tonight. Who would have thought that even in the first day of our stay at the palace we would be put to a test!

The expected dreary mingling with Mother’s sorts presented itself today in a lavish garden party. If Mother attended, than I certainly didn’t see her, though it is very possible that I would not be allowed the advantage of family during this competition of sorts. I’m sure Mother wouldn’t be pleased if that were the case.

The only exciting part of the day was that I actually made something for once, instead of having it bought for me due to Father’s extravagant and unnecessary spending. It was honestly refreshing, knowing that the decoration of my table was of my own make.

I can only hope that I’ve made a proper impression thus far. I cannot help but be nervous to this effect. Then again, why should I be? At the very least I have a sense of manners that seem so foreign to some.

Speaking of these others, I do not know quite how to act around them. Would it be better for me to befriend them or to avoid? Of course, I’m not sure I’m qualified as a friend in the first place. Those who rank amongst my friends are, after all, a bird, and a nursemaid that I don’t even see anymore.

Sometimes I realize just how pitiful my life is.

~Moonsday~ 19^th Frostfire

I don’t know whether to be disgraced or perfectly and juvenily content. First fraternizing with another girl (as mother would put it), then pants, then riding, then honesty. Mother would gladly seek to rid me of my inheritance if she learned of this. Perhaps being away from her, I grow too bold, but I cease to find much success in her methods. Not that they’re altogether wrong, and I must remain with my guard up and I absolutely cannot do the things I have done today ever again, but I’ve begun to wonder. I haven’t been married so far under her way of thinking, granted this is partially due to her frightening off all the suitors.

          Ah, but that’s too much thinking for one night. My mind grows tired of all this political humdrum. At any rate, I’ve actually talked to another girl today. I hope that she likes me; I couldn’t abide by knowing I had inadvertently made an enemy or lost any aspect of her respect from asking her for clothes. She wouldn’t be a terrible ally, at least. Secretly though, I would not mind a friend.

          Oh confound stupid sentimentality and ignore that last statement. It sounds much too foolish now that I see it penned onto paper.